Into the darkness....

So if you remember, last time i left off, i had (somewhat foolishly) stumbled into the same bar that Jack was....

...Has anyone ever gotten so ridiculously nervous that your palms start sweating... you cant concentrate and all the time, it feels like there is some kind of drum POUNDING against your chest??? Well, when it came to the point that i actually had to meet him, that's how i felt... so as the easiest way out, i reached for a bottle. Or 2.

I remember that when we first walked into the club i was so nervous that i made a beeline straight for the bar... all the time keeping my eyes peeled... the last thing that i needed was to be caught unaware. From where i stood at the bar i caught sight of him a little distance from me and the feeling in my chest got heavier and heavier. i couldn't breathe. Where's the answer? In this shot glass!!! The drinks poured thicker and faster, until finally he caught sight of me (I was happier to look at him from afar, and never even dreamt that i would have to actually SPEAK to him!)

BUT THAT WAS THE POINT - I DIDNT!!! He made his way over and said SOMETHING to me... I haven't got the faintest idea what it was... my head was swimming and not with alcohol. Drums seemed to drown out the room around me, my chest was constricting my breathing... i think i just stopped and smiled (I know, not the perfect way forward). I eventually made small talk and then my excuses and me and my friend left.... When we got out into the coolness of the evening normality suddenly swam back! And so did this perfect image of him.... even in the dark, his eyes dazzled, his smile beamed.... and all i could do was... well, nothing... this was NOT the way i had planned it! I was supposed to go in and charm the pants off him. NOT make an idiot out of myself. At this point i was just grateful that i got out of there when i did.... and then continue my night. I could feel the all too familiar darkness threatening to take me again. I had messed up again, but it was nothing more than i was used to...

Something which i had learnt when i lost the person i thought i would spend the rest of my life with, was that alcohol numbs you. it almost provides you with a tiny candle of light that you hang on to when everything else is dark. it makes you forget. and that was EXACTLY what i needed... to forget! So i spent the next few hours drinking myself into a walking coma. It wasnt because i was devastated for Jack, but just that the all too familiar feelings of let down were coming back. At that point i didnt even like him that much.... the only feeling i had for him then was lust. and lust i CAN deal with....

... at some point in the evening my friend and i had ended up in another night club, and this is were it all goes a bit hazey for me. I had probably consumed my body weight in alcohol by this point, and i was having trouble standing up! But we continued none the less. After all, i wasnt trying to impress anyone! From flashbacks, i remember that Jack had shown up where we were and his presence seemed to sober me...

... of course, if you were to ask him now, he will openly tell you that i was rediculously drunk still, but he isnt aware that he instantly has a calming effect on my soul... ok, he can't cure someone of being 90% alcohol, but his company sobered me enough to know that at that moment i didnt want to be anywhere else in the world. and THAT was the precise moment that i began to think that maybe it wasnt lust that was infecting me at all.... The darkness that my previous relationship seemed to lighten a little bit...

Maybe he felt sorry for me, but at one point he held my hand. Now to most people, holding hands probably isnt much at all? but to me... OH! Holding hands is about as close as two people can get, you know, without doing the 'deed'. His touch sent shivers through me... not lust, at this point (and even now) i dont have strong sexual desires for him... i don't know, i find it difficult to explain. but as i said in my last post... sometimes a person walks into your life and smiles (or holds your hand) and you just ... know???

More coming tomorrow... from THAT night until today

(and how he WELL AND TRULY melted my walls)