In too deep....

The next morning and that drum that had pounded against the walls of my chest was now in my head. URGH – WHY did I drink so much?? I had stayed at my friends’ house and had stumbled from my bed to the kitchen before the memories started to crash back into my head! WHAT HAD I DONE???

Something that I failed to mention in my last post was that part of the reason that I wasn’t overenthusiastic when I had met Jack was that at this point I was already aware that he was taken. There was no point in exerting myself but as the memories flooded back, there was one in particular that played in my mind…

…had we shared a stolen moment with each other? Everything was such a haze, I could only remember snippets, but I was sure that there was a moment when time seemed to stand still. Somewhere in the depths of my mind I could visualise his lips on mine… had I dreamt it? Have you ever woken up the morning after a heavy night, and wonder if the memories in your head are true, or simply your mind playing games with you whilst you slept? I tired to push the thought out of my head (not easily done!) and continued with my morning. I sent a message to his phone to apologise for my behaviour the night before, and also to ask if he had plans that day.

“You were ridiculously drunk. I’m with my boyfriend today”

OH YEAH – the BOYFRIEND. So I was still none the wiser as to what had happened the night before, and also it didn’t look as though I had made a very good impression at all. That was the point that darkness had completely engulfed me again. The pain that I felt when my ex had left me, shattered me again, and I was lost to the darkness. Even if I couldn’t remember the finer details, I could still remember that soothing feeling that he had on my soul. I sank hard and fast again, but I hid behind my walls. Within the next week that had passed, I had managed to mask my feelings behind my façade…

…it was a week or so after the events of THAT night. I had returned to bumbling around online for my entertainment, although I had been sensible enough to steer clear of Jack’s vlog pages. I didn’t need to be reminded of that. Sometimes you just need to forget that some things have happened, you know? And besides, it was completely pointless! I needed to get into my head that HE ISNT SINGLE!

So life was set to continue as normal.. until i logged on to MSN. In hindsight, i could have probably saved myself a whole load of heartache had, i got home and deleted him from my account, but NO! I had left him on there, and seizing opportunity, i took the opportunity to apologize for my behaviour on THAT night.

He was the perfect gentleman and took it all in his stride. He blamed EVERYTHING on the alcohol that i had consumed and i made the vow NEVER to touch it in that degree as long as i had breath in my body! (AND THIS I STILL STAND BY!!) He filled me in on the finer points, that my brain had decided to block from my memory.... and at last... we came to the point where we shared that stolen kiss. So, it was true, it HAD happened... but the darkness that i was so accustomed to didn't have chance to lift at these happy words. He quickly followed the conversation with the explanation of how he was riddled with guilt and that it could NEVER happen again. Of course, i KNEW this was inevitable. It was STUPID of me to assume that it would... and once again, the lights went out, and i behaved as though nothing had happened, even if there was the tiniest voice in my head that was SCREAMING to be heard of how this wasn't fair...

...i embraced the fact that the lights weren't coming back on, at least not for this one...

Conversations remained between us on MSN and i was fine with that, after all he is a nice person, and it isn't his fault that my heart finds him irresistible, IS IT? But things, as they quite often do in my life, have a nasty habit of going wrong. Just as i was building my walls taller than even Jack, another obstacle came hurtling toward me... i felt that i could open up to him... not about how i felt towards him, but with romance in general. I guess that he began to feel more comfortable with me also, because he began to say things that he shouldn't.

For example, i told him about my perfect first date, involving stars and candles and walks and.. and he replied that he “wished his boyfriend was more like me”..

WALLS BACK DOWN AGAIN!!!!

This is bloody typical! He has the ability to break down my walls with a simple sentence, and i don't even think that he knows it. Although after every ‘slip-up’ that he makes, he makes up for with in depth discussions on how much he loves his other half....

... As i said before, aside from the fact that to me he is perfect, he is actually really nice to talk to... well, i’m going to be in his area in a few weeks, and it has been arranged that i will stay with Jack. Bad idea? Possibly... maybe i’m setting myself up for failure, or maybe i’m just craving his company... i don’t know but i’m open to suggestion! Through conversations that i have with him on MSN, where i’ve poured my soul to him (not about him, obviously!) i’m falling for him and there isn't a thing that i can do about it. We will likely continue to speak to each other for hours on end (its been known to be until sunrise) but right now,

i’m in too deep to walk away...

We're now at today.... and now you can see my problems! I'll keep you updated... more to come but i welcome your comments

Benj