If i can have just a TEEEEENY second...

So here's the thing.... if you scroll to the bottom of the page (keep going until you get RIGHT to the bottom) there' a bit that says:

Posts (atom)

Here' the cool part... if you click on that, then you will get an option to subscribe to my Blog... which will mean that you get feeds that tell you when I have updated my page with my sad (and somewhat pathetic) love life :)

I mean, you don't have to.... but it's aways nice to know that i'm not discussing my terrible love life with myself!!!

Benj x

"Just wanna be wanted"

So even though my initial ideas have taken a massive kick to the head,my motivation STILL isn't dwindling. (A big middle finger to anyone that ever says I don't have any staying-power!!!!). Technology, it would seem, ISN'T the way forward... or maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places?

Seedy websites for pervy middle aged men really doesn't do it for me... Perhaps I should try another website? SURELY they can't ALL be that bad- can they? I am just a little concerned that I will end up seeing more than I had bargained for! I mean, don't get me wrong... I AM celibate,but I think I would prefer to get my kicks in the .... Erm ...traditional way? I mean, whatever happened to boy meets girl (or boy),boy kisses girl (or boy), boy dates girl (or boy), girl (or boy) feels the way they deserve? This just all seems a bit "wham, bam, thank you ma'am!" - Bish, bash bosh, I'll call you (but probably not!)

NO THANK YOU!!!!

However, I'll give good old technology another shot - just ONE more. I'm sure that the internet has FAAAARRR more to offer. I mean, people meet their soulmates all the time via being online, don't they?! I would hazard a guess that some of you are wondering why I feel the need to have found 'Mr. Right' anyway. Let me explain just a little bit...

If you have read all of my posts then you will understand that I am this HUGE romantic that wants to be wanted I guess. But THAT isn't really the point.

See the point is that my life (since Rob, anyway) is dominated by my insecurities. I think that they literally dictate who I speak to and how I behave when I am around them. I honestly feel unattractive and uninteresting and my self confidence is at a critical low. So maybe it's not such a case of me needing to find a soulmate, but to feel a little... wanted?

Scenic Texts...

Well, the night wasn't a roaring success... but then with your mother at your side, I guess it was never going to be... oh, and the fact that I live in a tiny village in the middle of nowhere proves to be a hindrance!!

I guess that I should give you the run-down on where I live, and then maybe you will get a good idea of why finding someone is a little more difficult than it should be. Should you look on a map, then you would be forgiven for thinking that I live in a densely populated area. I don't!

My village is in between 3 major towns, but only if you travel for about 20 minutes in each direction... sure, it's scenic, but that's about all.So, on a good note, at least when I DO find someone, I can charm the pants off them with beautiful quiet scenery bathed in starlight...

... Back to the point in hand, if it wasn't difficult enough to meet gaymen to begin with, throw in your mother and living in the middle ofnowhere, and I have NO HOPE at all!!!

Remember a few days ago when I posted my new idea with the help of my mobile phone? Well, I sent these messages out, and got all of NO replies... maybe none of the (10) people that I text have credit? Or maybe I really am as ugly as I think? ...I'm going with the latter!

Back to the drawing board for me... oh and have I forgotten to mention that this coming weekend, is the weekend that I stay with Jack...

Does your mother know that you're out.... well yes, actually!

OK.... so this is just a quick post...

I'm off out (with my mother, but hey, beggers can't be choosers)! Perhaps i'll be able to meet someone for this god forsaken Christmas party - which is drawing ever closer!

I'll be back online later, and we shall discover as to whether or not having your mother by your side will inhibit your chances of pulling!!! HAHAHAHA I WOUDN'T HOLD YOUR BREATH for a gripping post later on!

Still optimism and all that.....

"On est aisement dupe par ce qu' on aime"

A little off track today...

Whilst at work someone mentioned (as it quite often DOES) the subject of being gay. Now, for the heterosexuals, or teenage girls, this subject is, no doubt, both captivating and enthralling… after all, it isn’t every day that you have the opportunity to speak to a ‘real-life’ gay!!!

Now, when I first came out, at the age of 17, the opportunity to speak about it was usually grabbed at. When you have sat on a secret for so long, you can’t wait to actually get a sound reason to speak about it. But nearly 7 years on, and when the conversation is broached, the novelty of it has worn off a little. I begin to start having dark thoughts, and sarcasm suddenly becomes my second nature.

For example, I don’t sit and ask heterosexual men or women HALF of the questions that are usually presented to me. Everything, from what goes on in my love life, to what happens in the bedroom. Most of the time I feel like some sort of caged animal at the zoo, that everyone needs a good poke around with.

However, today, what REALLY made my blood boil was that someone that I actually trusted stated that being gay wasn’t ‘natural’. I COMPLETELY disagree – talk about a kick to the head!! Who is anyone to tell me that the way I am is un-natural. As I tried to explain to her (although it fell on completely deaf, ignorant ears) was that being gay is not a choice – I didn’t suddenly wake up one morning and think to myself “hmmm, do you know what, I think I am going to try boys today” – it just doesn’t work like that.

A heterosexual person never wakes up and makes the decision to be straight, no more than a gay person does. So for those that think it un-natural, I say NO. You’re wrong. Nature CHOSE ME to be this way…

Anyway, back on subject – now I have THAT off my chest – back to the matter in hand!! So far, Technology has taken a blow! Gay men’s personals’ sites have a LOT to answer for... however, i have begun to look into the other branches that it has to offer!

Whilst i lay in bed last night, i realise that my phone is inundated with phone numbers from random people that ive met whilst being out and about... and SURELY i only gave them my number if i liked them???

I have now sent maybe 10 different people a text message this morning (deviously) to ask how they are!!! I’ll keep you updated with the responces i get!!!

Leave SOMETHING to the imagination, boys!!!

This is going to prove more difficult than I had first imagined…

After I had posted yesterday, it suddenly dawned on me that I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA how I am going to make this materialise!! The obvious answer was to look online for my potential ‘date’. It struck me that even if this DID work then how many frogs would I have to kiss until I had found the one I was looking for?

VERY doubtfully, I decided to have a look at some of the gay personals’ sites… BAD idea. Gay men have this stigma that (I for one) am trying to shake off. The thing is that gay men are seen as promiscuous, and until last night, I thought that it was just another stupid cliché that gay men were being stereotyped with! How very wrong I was!

Although not all of us, are tarred with the same brush… after looking at a few of these personals’ sites I have come to the conclusion that gay men have been given this stereotype for good reason!! I spent the best part of about 3 hours looking through one site in particular… although I had lost sight of WHY I was there in the first place.

After I had registered and set up my own account, I began to look through others’, and within the space of about 5 minutes it had already been made quite clear that I was NEVER going to find anyone suitable on a website like this!!! This particular website, sets itself up as being a ‘personals’ website for gay men (as you can imagine, it is somewhat more difficult for gay men to meet each other than it is for heterosexual couples) However, the more I saw in the thousands of pages of these men, the less I believed that anyone was looking for anything other than a quick ‘bunk up’ somewhere.

WHY OH WHY did these men (of ALL ages, I might add) feel the need to use websites like this to show parts of their anatomy that I for one had no desire to see. Middle aged men, suited men, young men, fat balding men… it seemed that anyone within the pages of this website were only interested in one thing… now, I won’t name names but this is one of the most popular web pages that is available to single (or, as I discovered last night), married or taken men… so as you can imagine, I suddenly lost all confidence that technology was going to be the answer to my scenario…

… I guess that it is going to prove that all of the time that you are looking for Mr. Right to come along, he never will. That being said, I haven’t lost my motivation… it seems that if I am going to find him, it more than certainly WON’T be on a website like THAT!

Those of you who have read my posts for the last 2 weeks or so will appreciate that these men in particular I was NOT looking for… time to look somewhere else...

"I can hear the (jingle) bells...."

Just to keep you all posted, last night, I had a friend over, and we discussed a few things in regards to Jack. I think that I have made the right decision; in letting these feelings go… there are plenty more fish in the sea and all that!!! As I said in my last post though, I will continue to speak to him… aside from anything else, we are amazingly similar and we get on really well… I will keep you posted in relation to THAT one!

Whilst at work this week the bombshell was dropped on me that the Christmas party is only a few months away (December 18th to be precise!) and, as could have been predicted, I’ve landed myself in a mess again!!! See the time had come to pay our deposits, and of the 10 staff in my department, I was the ONLY one that didn’t have anyone to take with me as my date!

To keep myself from being completely embarrassed, I paid for TWO tickets… setting me back far, far, far too much money! Stupid, I know. I just didn’t want to feel like the only sad act there that couldn’t get hold of a date… and so now the race is on… I have (exactly) 86 days to find someone that fits the bill… good job I like a challenge!

See, the thing is – and I guess that it is a large part of the reason that I believe in soulmates – that I need to actually feel something for them?? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a very high opinion of myself WHATSOEVER! But sometimes (in the nicest possible way) I feel like I could do better than some of the trolls that I usually attract.

I know that you should have the ability to see through people’s imperfections, but for those who have been following my posts, you will know that isn’t what I am looking for… SO… just to confirm, if it wasn’t going to be hard enough to try and find someone, anyone, to take me to the Christmas party – my pride and burnt ego is making me fussy too! Still, I am remaining positive! 86 days is a long time, right???

The other thing that i want to make CRYSTAL clear, is that i am aware that all of these posts don’t paint me in a very good light... my life honestly isnt all about being in a relationship, or that i am a hopeless romantic.. there are other aspects to me, and through the progression of these posts you will find out that i am really NOT such a poor little victim! HOWEVER, for now...

Prince Charming beware, I’m coming to get you!