If i can have just a TEEEEENY second...

So here's the thing.... if you scroll to the bottom of the page (keep going until you get RIGHT to the bottom) there' a bit that says:

Posts (atom)

Here' the cool part... if you click on that, then you will get an option to subscribe to my Blog... which will mean that you get feeds that tell you when I have updated my page with my sad (and somewhat pathetic) love life :)

I mean, you don't have to.... but it's aways nice to know that i'm not discussing my terrible love life with myself!!!

Benj x

"Just wanna be wanted"

So even though my initial ideas have taken a massive kick to the head,my motivation STILL isn't dwindling. (A big middle finger to anyone that ever says I don't have any staying-power!!!!). Technology, it would seem, ISN'T the way forward... or maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places?

Seedy websites for pervy middle aged men really doesn't do it for me... Perhaps I should try another website? SURELY they can't ALL be that bad- can they? I am just a little concerned that I will end up seeing more than I had bargained for! I mean, don't get me wrong... I AM celibate,but I think I would prefer to get my kicks in the .... Erm ...traditional way? I mean, whatever happened to boy meets girl (or boy),boy kisses girl (or boy), boy dates girl (or boy), girl (or boy) feels the way they deserve? This just all seems a bit "wham, bam, thank you ma'am!" - Bish, bash bosh, I'll call you (but probably not!)

NO THANK YOU!!!!

However, I'll give good old technology another shot - just ONE more. I'm sure that the internet has FAAAARRR more to offer. I mean, people meet their soulmates all the time via being online, don't they?! I would hazard a guess that some of you are wondering why I feel the need to have found 'Mr. Right' anyway. Let me explain just a little bit...

If you have read all of my posts then you will understand that I am this HUGE romantic that wants to be wanted I guess. But THAT isn't really the point.

See the point is that my life (since Rob, anyway) is dominated by my insecurities. I think that they literally dictate who I speak to and how I behave when I am around them. I honestly feel unattractive and uninteresting and my self confidence is at a critical low. So maybe it's not such a case of me needing to find a soulmate, but to feel a little... wanted?

Scenic Texts...

Well, the night wasn't a roaring success... but then with your mother at your side, I guess it was never going to be... oh, and the fact that I live in a tiny village in the middle of nowhere proves to be a hindrance!!

I guess that I should give you the run-down on where I live, and then maybe you will get a good idea of why finding someone is a little more difficult than it should be. Should you look on a map, then you would be forgiven for thinking that I live in a densely populated area. I don't!

My village is in between 3 major towns, but only if you travel for about 20 minutes in each direction... sure, it's scenic, but that's about all.So, on a good note, at least when I DO find someone, I can charm the pants off them with beautiful quiet scenery bathed in starlight...

... Back to the point in hand, if it wasn't difficult enough to meet gaymen to begin with, throw in your mother and living in the middle ofnowhere, and I have NO HOPE at all!!!

Remember a few days ago when I posted my new idea with the help of my mobile phone? Well, I sent these messages out, and got all of NO replies... maybe none of the (10) people that I text have credit? Or maybe I really am as ugly as I think? ...I'm going with the latter!

Back to the drawing board for me... oh and have I forgotten to mention that this coming weekend, is the weekend that I stay with Jack...

Does your mother know that you're out.... well yes, actually!

OK.... so this is just a quick post...

I'm off out (with my mother, but hey, beggers can't be choosers)! Perhaps i'll be able to meet someone for this god forsaken Christmas party - which is drawing ever closer!

I'll be back online later, and we shall discover as to whether or not having your mother by your side will inhibit your chances of pulling!!! HAHAHAHA I WOUDN'T HOLD YOUR BREATH for a gripping post later on!

Still optimism and all that.....

"On est aisement dupe par ce qu' on aime"

A little off track today...

Whilst at work someone mentioned (as it quite often DOES) the subject of being gay. Now, for the heterosexuals, or teenage girls, this subject is, no doubt, both captivating and enthralling… after all, it isn’t every day that you have the opportunity to speak to a ‘real-life’ gay!!!

Now, when I first came out, at the age of 17, the opportunity to speak about it was usually grabbed at. When you have sat on a secret for so long, you can’t wait to actually get a sound reason to speak about it. But nearly 7 years on, and when the conversation is broached, the novelty of it has worn off a little. I begin to start having dark thoughts, and sarcasm suddenly becomes my second nature.

For example, I don’t sit and ask heterosexual men or women HALF of the questions that are usually presented to me. Everything, from what goes on in my love life, to what happens in the bedroom. Most of the time I feel like some sort of caged animal at the zoo, that everyone needs a good poke around with.

However, today, what REALLY made my blood boil was that someone that I actually trusted stated that being gay wasn’t ‘natural’. I COMPLETELY disagree – talk about a kick to the head!! Who is anyone to tell me that the way I am is un-natural. As I tried to explain to her (although it fell on completely deaf, ignorant ears) was that being gay is not a choice – I didn’t suddenly wake up one morning and think to myself “hmmm, do you know what, I think I am going to try boys today” – it just doesn’t work like that.

A heterosexual person never wakes up and makes the decision to be straight, no more than a gay person does. So for those that think it un-natural, I say NO. You’re wrong. Nature CHOSE ME to be this way…

Anyway, back on subject – now I have THAT off my chest – back to the matter in hand!! So far, Technology has taken a blow! Gay men’s personals’ sites have a LOT to answer for... however, i have begun to look into the other branches that it has to offer!

Whilst i lay in bed last night, i realise that my phone is inundated with phone numbers from random people that ive met whilst being out and about... and SURELY i only gave them my number if i liked them???

I have now sent maybe 10 different people a text message this morning (deviously) to ask how they are!!! I’ll keep you updated with the responces i get!!!

Leave SOMETHING to the imagination, boys!!!

This is going to prove more difficult than I had first imagined…

After I had posted yesterday, it suddenly dawned on me that I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA how I am going to make this materialise!! The obvious answer was to look online for my potential ‘date’. It struck me that even if this DID work then how many frogs would I have to kiss until I had found the one I was looking for?

VERY doubtfully, I decided to have a look at some of the gay personals’ sites… BAD idea. Gay men have this stigma that (I for one) am trying to shake off. The thing is that gay men are seen as promiscuous, and until last night, I thought that it was just another stupid cliché that gay men were being stereotyped with! How very wrong I was!

Although not all of us, are tarred with the same brush… after looking at a few of these personals’ sites I have come to the conclusion that gay men have been given this stereotype for good reason!! I spent the best part of about 3 hours looking through one site in particular… although I had lost sight of WHY I was there in the first place.

After I had registered and set up my own account, I began to look through others’, and within the space of about 5 minutes it had already been made quite clear that I was NEVER going to find anyone suitable on a website like this!!! This particular website, sets itself up as being a ‘personals’ website for gay men (as you can imagine, it is somewhat more difficult for gay men to meet each other than it is for heterosexual couples) However, the more I saw in the thousands of pages of these men, the less I believed that anyone was looking for anything other than a quick ‘bunk up’ somewhere.

WHY OH WHY did these men (of ALL ages, I might add) feel the need to use websites like this to show parts of their anatomy that I for one had no desire to see. Middle aged men, suited men, young men, fat balding men… it seemed that anyone within the pages of this website were only interested in one thing… now, I won’t name names but this is one of the most popular web pages that is available to single (or, as I discovered last night), married or taken men… so as you can imagine, I suddenly lost all confidence that technology was going to be the answer to my scenario…

… I guess that it is going to prove that all of the time that you are looking for Mr. Right to come along, he never will. That being said, I haven’t lost my motivation… it seems that if I am going to find him, it more than certainly WON’T be on a website like THAT!

Those of you who have read my posts for the last 2 weeks or so will appreciate that these men in particular I was NOT looking for… time to look somewhere else...

"I can hear the (jingle) bells...."

Just to keep you all posted, last night, I had a friend over, and we discussed a few things in regards to Jack. I think that I have made the right decision; in letting these feelings go… there are plenty more fish in the sea and all that!!! As I said in my last post though, I will continue to speak to him… aside from anything else, we are amazingly similar and we get on really well… I will keep you posted in relation to THAT one!

Whilst at work this week the bombshell was dropped on me that the Christmas party is only a few months away (December 18th to be precise!) and, as could have been predicted, I’ve landed myself in a mess again!!! See the time had come to pay our deposits, and of the 10 staff in my department, I was the ONLY one that didn’t have anyone to take with me as my date!

To keep myself from being completely embarrassed, I paid for TWO tickets… setting me back far, far, far too much money! Stupid, I know. I just didn’t want to feel like the only sad act there that couldn’t get hold of a date… and so now the race is on… I have (exactly) 86 days to find someone that fits the bill… good job I like a challenge!

See, the thing is – and I guess that it is a large part of the reason that I believe in soulmates – that I need to actually feel something for them?? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a very high opinion of myself WHATSOEVER! But sometimes (in the nicest possible way) I feel like I could do better than some of the trolls that I usually attract.

I know that you should have the ability to see through people’s imperfections, but for those who have been following my posts, you will know that isn’t what I am looking for… SO… just to confirm, if it wasn’t going to be hard enough to try and find someone, anyone, to take me to the Christmas party – my pride and burnt ego is making me fussy too! Still, I am remaining positive! 86 days is a long time, right???

The other thing that i want to make CRYSTAL clear, is that i am aware that all of these posts don’t paint me in a very good light... my life honestly isnt all about being in a relationship, or that i am a hopeless romantic.. there are other aspects to me, and through the progression of these posts you will find out that i am really NOT such a poor little victim! HOWEVER, for now...

Prince Charming beware, I’m coming to get you!

Experiences....

A decision has been made…

Thank you to those who sent me messages offering advice on my last post. I think that the best decision that I could make, would be to forget any feelings that are above standard friendliness… sometimes the heart wants what it wants, but then again, sometimes you have to forget these feelings in order to move on with your life. It would be nice to know if anyone else has been in this sort of hopeless situation, so if anyone has any ‘experiences’ that they would like to share then PLEASE comment below…

Speaking of ‘experiences’, did you know that a famous Oscar Wilde quote is that:

“Experience is the name that everyone gives their mistakes”

…Not that I consider any of this to be a mistake of course, but you have to agree that it isn’t ideal! I will continue to speak to Jack as I have been (minus the flirting) but hey, who knows, maybe our paths will cross in the best way in the future… in the meantime though, I am MORE than happy to be his friend… after all, he does make me smile, and he DOES make me feel good about myself so why not?

So I guess it is time to move my posts in a new direction… or at least for the time being. I will keep an open mind, as far as Jack is concerned… So it is time to look elsewhere as far as my love life is concerned… I have LOTS of ideas as to how I’m going to solve my little ‘lonely’ scenario!!!

I guess my problem is, I just want to make someone feel the way that they deserve… more coming tomorrow

Rose's theme

Le Coeur A Ses Raisons Que La Raison Ne Connait Point

Oh those eyes!!! Now usually, I wouldn’t have been speaking to him with a webcam, but that night was different. My friend’s laptop came complete with camera, so inevitably we ended up speaking to each other with that!

Now, after my friend had passed into the land of nod, we began to speak on a more personal level… I will admit that I flirt far too much with Jack. I know that I shouldn’t – that it is wrong – but he seems to have this effect on me. Like I don’t care? Like he makes me want to be honest even though every logical thought in my brain is screaming at me to play it cool!

Eventually towards the end of the night (day had quite literally started to break) I said something that perhaps I shouldn’t. I told him that his eyes betray his secrets. Let me explain, usually if I was to flirt with him, I would get a response which is reasonably non committal. An answer which is neither here nor there. But then, USUALLY I can’t see his face… I told him that his voice might be telling me one thing, but his eyes tell me a completely different story…

He asked me to explain what it was that I meant (urgh!!) – And I did… although rather reluctantly! I told him that maybe I was right in thinking that although he tells me with his voice that fairytale romances aren’t real… his eyes completely sell him out. When his eyes smile, the truth in what he feels comes out. He responded quite simply with:

“It’s a good job I’m not on cam often then”

Maybe he is just being playful? I don’t know, but I don’t think that he realises, that whilst I am aware that nothing can happen all of the time he is with his boyfriend; it doesn’t stop me longing for it. How amazing would it be that if whilst bathed in stars and candlelight I could show him how I really feel?! If just for one precious moment I could forget everything else has ever existed and be lost there in that single moment in time…

So now here is the thing… I guess the sole reason for this post at all… if I have ever needed advice, and comments, now is the time. I think I’m falling. I’m in too deep and I know that there is no chance that we are ever going to be, but the heart wants what it wants! I think at this point though, I am ready to end the whole thing. Keep him as my friend, but banish these thoughts from my head? i think i wuld rather lose him romantically then all together? i love speaing t him s maybe it is time to destroy other thoughts....but if i do, then i wouldnt be able to go back for my own sanity... time to face up?

Please give me some feed back on this, I would REALLY appreciate it.
After all, the heart has its reasons, of which reason knows not.

Soulmates, Perfection and Eyes....

So i have read a few of these back and i guess i should really clear a few points up.. like what makes a soulmate, and why oh why it is now so important to me since the break up from hell.



i guess i should stat with the ex boyfriend...for arguments sake i'll call him Rob. I know that all of you will know the feelings that you first get when you into a new relationship. everyone but everyone has fallen in love at one point or another... and i DID have those feelings for a large part of my relationship with Rob. But it didnt start like that. To begin with, i wasnt into him at all! i remember that he did the chasing... and try as i might not to get feelngs for him, inevitably it happened. All of the feelings that every new relationship gets... i couldnt get him out of my head, the joys of a new relationship took me. Suddenly life is just so perfect....



... but as i mentioned in previous posts, it doesnt always turn out to be perfect. i have since spoken to a few of my friends about the idea of soulmates... and most don't believe in them. Each to their own opinion i guess. But there was one idea that stuck in my head (and almost made me back down on my own beliefs):-

"Love is seeing an imperfect person perfectly"

This thought had played on my mind and then suddenly, it dawned on me (and this is the reason that i won't back down on my Soulmates ideas).. That was exactly what i had done with Rob - learnt to see him perfectly...

... it wasnt natural, it was forced, and then when the relationship had begun to take its turn for the worse, all of these imperfections begin to make their appearances again. The darkness was taking me, from my failing relationship... and that was when i discovered that Soulmates are real and they must exist somewhere.

There is a perfect person for everyone somewhere... someone that shares the same ideals as you....don't get me wrong, EVERYONE wil argue.. and everyone will have their flaws... but those arent imperfections, because in your eyes, you see that as part of what makes them perfect to you! and THAT is what makes them your soulmate... you know that you can tell them anything, and they will never mock you, you can trust that for every second that you arent with them, they have only you on their minds... that you are the last thing on their minds before they sleep and the first when they wake up... and not just in the beginnning - ALL THE WAY THROUGH!
Listen to the song that i posted in my last post, and you will get a better idea.....

And now for the latest turn of events, where Jack is concerned...

.... Last night, my friend and i decided to chill at my house with a bottle or two of wine, and inevitably, the conversation was soon steered to Jack (She is the only other person that i have allowed to read my blogs). We had decided to see whether or not Jack was online, and right on cue, he appeared... and so the conversation started... to begin with, it was mega difficult.... on one hand i find it sooo easy to talk to Jack but then i had my friend whispering advice on how to flirt in the other ear!!!

Apparently, i'm terrible at flirting, however i did manage to ignore MOST of her advice.. i needed to do this my way... Anyway, soon, the conversation progressed and the 3 of us sat and spoke to each other, but now with added webcam... This was the first time that i had seen and spoken to Jack whilst i was sober. In time, my friend got too tired and fell asleep, and then i had him to myself...

... I could talk about things that i couldnt have said whilst my friend was awake... i could gently flirt without being embarressed...

He has the most beautiful eyes that i have ever seen but he shouldnt trust them as he does... Whilst the rest of his body can tell me one thing, his eyes tell a different story. They betray how he feels....

Nicest thing...

Take a listen to this.... This is the PERFECT song to sum up EXACTLY how i am feeling... word for word....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41R1jN26b4I

Benj

Next post: The Definition of the Soulmate

In too deep....

The next morning and that drum that had pounded against the walls of my chest was now in my head. URGH – WHY did I drink so much?? I had stayed at my friends’ house and had stumbled from my bed to the kitchen before the memories started to crash back into my head! WHAT HAD I DONE???

Something that I failed to mention in my last post was that part of the reason that I wasn’t overenthusiastic when I had met Jack was that at this point I was already aware that he was taken. There was no point in exerting myself but as the memories flooded back, there was one in particular that played in my mind…

…had we shared a stolen moment with each other? Everything was such a haze, I could only remember snippets, but I was sure that there was a moment when time seemed to stand still. Somewhere in the depths of my mind I could visualise his lips on mine… had I dreamt it? Have you ever woken up the morning after a heavy night, and wonder if the memories in your head are true, or simply your mind playing games with you whilst you slept? I tired to push the thought out of my head (not easily done!) and continued with my morning. I sent a message to his phone to apologise for my behaviour the night before, and also to ask if he had plans that day.

“You were ridiculously drunk. I’m with my boyfriend today”

OH YEAH – the BOYFRIEND. So I was still none the wiser as to what had happened the night before, and also it didn’t look as though I had made a very good impression at all. That was the point that darkness had completely engulfed me again. The pain that I felt when my ex had left me, shattered me again, and I was lost to the darkness. Even if I couldn’t remember the finer details, I could still remember that soothing feeling that he had on my soul. I sank hard and fast again, but I hid behind my walls. Within the next week that had passed, I had managed to mask my feelings behind my façade…

…it was a week or so after the events of THAT night. I had returned to bumbling around online for my entertainment, although I had been sensible enough to steer clear of Jack’s vlog pages. I didn’t need to be reminded of that. Sometimes you just need to forget that some things have happened, you know? And besides, it was completely pointless! I needed to get into my head that HE ISNT SINGLE!

So life was set to continue as normal.. until i logged on to MSN. In hindsight, i could have probably saved myself a whole load of heartache had, i got home and deleted him from my account, but NO! I had left him on there, and seizing opportunity, i took the opportunity to apologize for my behaviour on THAT night.

He was the perfect gentleman and took it all in his stride. He blamed EVERYTHING on the alcohol that i had consumed and i made the vow NEVER to touch it in that degree as long as i had breath in my body! (AND THIS I STILL STAND BY!!) He filled me in on the finer points, that my brain had decided to block from my memory.... and at last... we came to the point where we shared that stolen kiss. So, it was true, it HAD happened... but the darkness that i was so accustomed to didn't have chance to lift at these happy words. He quickly followed the conversation with the explanation of how he was riddled with guilt and that it could NEVER happen again. Of course, i KNEW this was inevitable. It was STUPID of me to assume that it would... and once again, the lights went out, and i behaved as though nothing had happened, even if there was the tiniest voice in my head that was SCREAMING to be heard of how this wasn't fair...

...i embraced the fact that the lights weren't coming back on, at least not for this one...

Conversations remained between us on MSN and i was fine with that, after all he is a nice person, and it isn't his fault that my heart finds him irresistible, IS IT? But things, as they quite often do in my life, have a nasty habit of going wrong. Just as i was building my walls taller than even Jack, another obstacle came hurtling toward me... i felt that i could open up to him... not about how i felt towards him, but with romance in general. I guess that he began to feel more comfortable with me also, because he began to say things that he shouldn't.

For example, i told him about my perfect first date, involving stars and candles and walks and.. and he replied that he “wished his boyfriend was more like me”..

WALLS BACK DOWN AGAIN!!!!

This is bloody typical! He has the ability to break down my walls with a simple sentence, and i don't even think that he knows it. Although after every ‘slip-up’ that he makes, he makes up for with in depth discussions on how much he loves his other half....

... As i said before, aside from the fact that to me he is perfect, he is actually really nice to talk to... well, i’m going to be in his area in a few weeks, and it has been arranged that i will stay with Jack. Bad idea? Possibly... maybe i’m setting myself up for failure, or maybe i’m just craving his company... i don’t know but i’m open to suggestion! Through conversations that i have with him on MSN, where i’ve poured my soul to him (not about him, obviously!) i’m falling for him and there isn't a thing that i can do about it. We will likely continue to speak to each other for hours on end (its been known to be until sunrise) but right now,

i’m in too deep to walk away...

We're now at today.... and now you can see my problems! I'll keep you updated... more to come but i welcome your comments

Benj

Into the darkness....

So if you remember, last time i left off, i had (somewhat foolishly) stumbled into the same bar that Jack was....

...Has anyone ever gotten so ridiculously nervous that your palms start sweating... you cant concentrate and all the time, it feels like there is some kind of drum POUNDING against your chest??? Well, when it came to the point that i actually had to meet him, that's how i felt... so as the easiest way out, i reached for a bottle. Or 2.

I remember that when we first walked into the club i was so nervous that i made a beeline straight for the bar... all the time keeping my eyes peeled... the last thing that i needed was to be caught unaware. From where i stood at the bar i caught sight of him a little distance from me and the feeling in my chest got heavier and heavier. i couldn't breathe. Where's the answer? In this shot glass!!! The drinks poured thicker and faster, until finally he caught sight of me (I was happier to look at him from afar, and never even dreamt that i would have to actually SPEAK to him!)

BUT THAT WAS THE POINT - I DIDNT!!! He made his way over and said SOMETHING to me... I haven't got the faintest idea what it was... my head was swimming and not with alcohol. Drums seemed to drown out the room around me, my chest was constricting my breathing... i think i just stopped and smiled (I know, not the perfect way forward). I eventually made small talk and then my excuses and me and my friend left.... When we got out into the coolness of the evening normality suddenly swam back! And so did this perfect image of him.... even in the dark, his eyes dazzled, his smile beamed.... and all i could do was... well, nothing... this was NOT the way i had planned it! I was supposed to go in and charm the pants off him. NOT make an idiot out of myself. At this point i was just grateful that i got out of there when i did.... and then continue my night. I could feel the all too familiar darkness threatening to take me again. I had messed up again, but it was nothing more than i was used to...

Something which i had learnt when i lost the person i thought i would spend the rest of my life with, was that alcohol numbs you. it almost provides you with a tiny candle of light that you hang on to when everything else is dark. it makes you forget. and that was EXACTLY what i needed... to forget! So i spent the next few hours drinking myself into a walking coma. It wasnt because i was devastated for Jack, but just that the all too familiar feelings of let down were coming back. At that point i didnt even like him that much.... the only feeling i had for him then was lust. and lust i CAN deal with....

... at some point in the evening my friend and i had ended up in another night club, and this is were it all goes a bit hazey for me. I had probably consumed my body weight in alcohol by this point, and i was having trouble standing up! But we continued none the less. After all, i wasnt trying to impress anyone! From flashbacks, i remember that Jack had shown up where we were and his presence seemed to sober me...

... of course, if you were to ask him now, he will openly tell you that i was rediculously drunk still, but he isnt aware that he instantly has a calming effect on my soul... ok, he can't cure someone of being 90% alcohol, but his company sobered me enough to know that at that moment i didnt want to be anywhere else in the world. and THAT was the precise moment that i began to think that maybe it wasnt lust that was infecting me at all.... The darkness that my previous relationship seemed to lighten a little bit...

Maybe he felt sorry for me, but at one point he held my hand. Now to most people, holding hands probably isnt much at all? but to me... OH! Holding hands is about as close as two people can get, you know, without doing the 'deed'. His touch sent shivers through me... not lust, at this point (and even now) i dont have strong sexual desires for him... i don't know, i find it difficult to explain. but as i said in my last post... sometimes a person walks into your life and smiles (or holds your hand) and you just ... know???

More coming tomorrow... from THAT night until today

(and how he WELL AND TRULY melted my walls)

Walls down, walls up!!!

As promised, here is my story so far! (Expect it to be less than gripping at the moment!)

Has anyone ever felt that they are so completely and utterly in love with someone, and you only realise that you weren’t when you meet someone different? Don’t worry; I’m not talking about soulmates just yet!! Well that was me 7 months ago. I was completely in my element. I had met a guy (who, now I can assure you, was way less than perfect) and my world revolved around him completely and utterly! Now, have you ever been so smitten with somebody that you lose track of the more important things in life? Like your friends? (Come on, you can be honest!!) – Well when I fell for the man who would inevitably break my heart, that’s what I did. Stupidly, I completely disregarded my friends for the person that I believed would be the be-all-and-end-all of my life… I childish error to make (as those of you honest enough to confess will appreciate) but I HAVE learnt from those mistakes…

…The relationship ran as smoothly as the next one. We had our ups and downs; sometimes we couldn’t stand the sight of each other and then others I couldn’t stand to be away from him (you will notice at that point I said ‘I’ not ‘we’) in my mind everything ran perfectly, until we started having our problems, MAJOR problems. Suddenly anything that went wrong in his life became my fault (it still does actually), the affection was lost between us, sex was a thing of myth, and then there were rumours… rumours that would haunt me a little everyday. Finally, the relationship took a nosedive, and darkness engulfed me.

Those of you who could confess that they have neglected their friends for the person they have fallen for will appreciate the feeling of loneliness that comes next. SURE, EVERYONE has to go through the heartbreak that comes when a relationship meets its demise, but most have the stability of their friends to fall back on. I didn’t (smart, I know!!) and thus not only was I a broken man but I was a lonely one at that!

SOMEHOW, I managed to find that inner strength that you need to be able to pick yourself up again. In the depths of my soul I managed to find that spark of light to begin diminishing the dark, and I made a promise to myself. Never would I let myself become open to pain again. I would never wear my heart on my sleeve and I most certainly wasn’t going to fall for anyone any time soon! I have built my walls so high that they’re unbreakable to anyone that isn’t my soulmate (I’ll add another post to explain FULLY the definition of a soulmate!)

The future may have looked bleak… but with my new found inner strength, I was ready to battle on regardless…

With the lonely nights drawing in, I found myself trawling the web for some form of entertainment and I managed to stumble on a set of vlogs between a boy and his friend. Together they were funny and inventive, and within no time I was hooked on watching him. Finally, I had plucked up the courage and I sent them a message. To my surprise he replied and after a few conversations I discovered that he was into boys too (HOORAY!), although that was also the point that i found out he is with someone else....

Ever the optimist, i continued to speak to him regardless. In all honesty i don't know why i didnt give up then.... i guess i was sort of in awe of him? has that ever happened to you? i mean, when you know that someone is completely untouchable and yet, there is just SOMETHING about them that you can't put your finger on?? URGH the whole set up was wierd, and i still don't know why i don't just give up?

So anyway, we continued to speak on and off online for a little while, when the chance came up for me to meet him.... I had gone out with my mate and we accidentally on purpose stumbled into the same bar as he was in...

More to come in the next post.... and hopefully, by then we'll be up to the present ;)

Stars, French and... Icebergs?

It's Tuesday 15th September...
And i'm sat in front of the best film EVER made...and i guess it sums up how i feel about romance. The Titanic has to be one of the most utterly beautiful, romantic films ever made.The way that 2 people that are destined to meet and do in the most difficult situation possible. They're worlds apart from each other, in status and because she is sooo completely unavailable that the idea alone is absurd! And yet, to me, thats what makes the whole idea soo romantic. That's what makes them soulmates, and as you will learn, the idea of soulmates means everything twice over to me.

I guess this is the perfect place to explain the whole point of the blogs....

... as you will have read in my initial blog, i have met the most amazing person in the whole world. He is charming and attractive. His touch makes me melt, you could quite literally get lost in those piercing blue eyes.He's witty and imaginative, creative... perfect! Had it not been for one flaw. He is taken... Ringing any bells? I guess the sole reason that i'm becoming gradually more infected by him is....

....urgh! Let me explain... Sometimes, just sometimes, you just know when you look at a person that maybe it's meant to be. Their eyes seem to dazzle, even in the darkest room. The stars seem to try and block out the black sky in their thousands.. and then you look at them, and your heart swells, and your knees go weak - but not with lust.. something in your soul tells you that it is more than that.. even amongst the flutters in your chest your mind still races with poetry, and Latin and French... Ohhhh French, the language of love.

And so i guess all of these dumbfounded, utterly INSANE, emotions arrived about a month ago, when i met HIM. I won't mention his name in case he ever stumbles across this, but in keeping with the theme of this particular blog, lets call him Jack - and also in keeping with the theme i'm going to end this for tonight, and go back to my heart swelling at my film...

Tomorrow you can expect to hear how i got to this point, including the man who shattered me in the first place, and how i managed to pull together my inner strength, and then finally how ive realised that it was all in vain because the beautiful stranger is beginning to pull me right back down again!

More to come tomorrow, Benj

Where to begin....

Hmmm, so I have decided to write a blog…

When I have read other people’s blogs it always makes me wonder how they manage to talk about the most mundane things and also seem to have the ability to make them entertaining!! Then, they also appear to have sooooo much to talk about! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a hermit, I have plenty to talk about but when you are put on the spot and HAVE to talk about something, it all just seems to…. Erm… dry up? At the same time it would also be nice to make a diary of sorts that will document who I am, which will be interesting for me to look back at…. Even if it isn’t for you! Oh and the other thing is that I won’t be telling any of my friends about this either – that way I can pour my secrets into it, and feel safe in the knowledge that only perfect strangers know them!

Before jumping straight in with what I’m up to, I guess I’d better paint a picture of myself, just so you can ‘see’ who you are reading about! Oh, I’ll stick the most recent picture of me on there too! ;)

OK, well I’m a 23 year old boy from Hampshire in England. I don’t think that I am attractive IN THE SLIGHTEST which would probably sum up why I am single! I have a job that I semi-enjoy (more on that later), I live alone, am DESPERATE for company but seem to look in all the wrong places….. I’m a hopeless romantic, looking for the right person… oh and he happens to be male!

At the minute i have just got home from work and am sat on the sofa SOAKING WET (another point to Britain's summer!!!) and this is probably the way i remai until i drag my carcass off to bed later on.... exciting stuff, i know, but in on of the most crucial times of my social life i just can't find the energy to WANT to do anything,let alone actually get up and do it... I guess the story starts several month ago when the 'greater good' decided to take a big shit on my from a great height... Yup, that's right, my 'soulmate' upped and left me and my world cam crashing arund my shoulders.... but it's not all bad... I've managed to scape myself up off th floor and build my barriers WAAAAAAAY above me again!

Thats the basic overview of the lovelife... but i guess that the soul reason that has brought me to create my own blog is because someone has managed to bing down my walls... He is beautiful and charming, and he quite literally makes me melt. Problem number 1.... he isnt as singl as he could be......

More to come in Blog 2 :)